Artefact

It's me again, hi!

36 years old version of me.

I can't believe time flies real fast like this, last time I wrote here was 2020...? Like, 3 years ago already?

I won't make any excuses, but life was tough, not as heavy as that "near death", but more challenging. As you know, I survived that storm and, gratefully, COVID too. But life is a never ending adventure for me, it never get easier (but I think I just get stronger, than I thought about myself).

You know I always return here whenever life gets pretty harsh on me, writing here is like "home" for me to heal, sorry. This time I promise I will tell different story.

36 years old me.

Beberapa waktu lalu, aku terharu sekali atas kelulusan mahasiswi-mahasiswi bimbinganku (bersama Pak Doddy) ini. Sebenarnya, yang membuatku terharu adalah momen setelah mereka wisuda dan menemuiku in person, memberikanku kesempatan untuk bercerita panjang lebar dan memberi "wejangan" tentang kemungkinan-kemungkinan yang akan mereka hadapi, dari perspektifku. Well, konsekuensinya, aku sekarang duduk di sini sambil merenungi kembali apa yang sudah kukatakan sama mereka, salah satunya..., "Mimpilah yang tinggi, setinggi-tingginya, tulis mimpimu (secara nyata, jangan cuma ditulis di pikiran), dan kembalilah pada tulisan itu secara berkala, kemudian bersyukur atas apa yang sudah kamu capai... yang belum tercapai, bisa dievaluasi lagi, masih relevan buat dikejar, perlu ganti plan, revisi, upgrade? Dan begitu seterusnya...".

Aku menulis di blog ini sejak usia 20-an, dan setelah dibaca lagi banyak juga mimpi-mimpi seekor kucing pink ini yang "lucu". Tapi aku ngga akan ngomongin yang udah lama sekali ya, karena rasanya sering juga aku tulis di sini. 

Aku selalu mengingat betapa jeleknya aku dalam menghadapi situasi yang sulit, seringkali aku menyalahkan diri sendiri yang tidak mampu, tidak kompeten, bla bla bla, padahal sebenarnya aku menyalahkan keadaan di sekitarku, tapi aku terlalu takut. Sampai akhirnya pikiran itu lama-lama merusakku dari dalam setelah bertahun-tahun. Aku seperti kehilangan diriku sendiri yang penuh semangat dan pemimpi. Kegagalan demi kegagalan yang aku rasa terjadi karena aku sendiri yang tidak berani menghadapinya, aku sendiri yang menciptakan penghalangnya. Kenapa ya? Untuk saat ini aku juga masih ngga tahu kenapanya, hanya, terimakasih untuk suamiku mas Kamen Rider, yang rela mengorbankan dirinya untuk tersesat di dalam labirin seekor kucing pink ini, yang membantuku menemukan jalan untuk kembali menyayangi diriku sendiri, sehingga aku bisa sedikit-sedikit kembali pada settingan awalku.

Diberi hidup sampai 36 tahun, dan mencapai apa-apa yang bahkan tidak terbayangkan sebelumnya, adalah anugerah yang luar biasa. WAIT. "Tidak terbayangkan"...? Salah, sebenarnya aku selalu membayangkannya. Remember, I STILL A DAYDREAMER.

Kalau menengok kembali tulisan-tulisan 10 tahun terakhir, rasanya... ternyata aku sudah berjalan jauh sekali. Sekalipun aku mungkin tidak sehebat orang lain, but why comparing ourselves to others? Semuanya berjalan pada path-nya masing-masing, mimpinya masing-masing, pace-nya masing-masing. Mungkin inilah yang menyebabkan aku "lost" beberapa waktu belakangan ini, terlalu banyak berusaha untuk mencapai yang sebenarnya bukanlah jalanku, bahkan tujuannya bukan untuk diriku sendiri. Sudah sebesar ini tapi aku masih pingin "caper" untuk membuktikan pada orang lain bahwa aku.... ahh! Padahal, menjadi diriku sendiri pun aku sudah bisa keren. Jadi selama ini aku trying too hard untuk apa (atau siapa)?

Ketika akhirnya aku kembali berpikir I need to be having fun in everything I do, to be "cool" for myself (or now, at least for my son)... magic happen! Dan setelah kuingat lagi, ini berlaku everytime I lost myself, then I came back to myself, magic happen. 

"Achievement" setiap orang bentuknya berbeda, begitu pula ukurannya. Yang selama ini terjadi, aku terlalu fokus pada pencapaian "besar" sehingga tidak mengapresiasi pencapaian-pencapaian kecil yang sebenarnya bisa jadi itu ternyata "besar". Mimpiku yang tinggi menjadikan aku hanya lihat ke langit yang tinggi, padahal aku sudah berjalan jauh di bumi.

After 20 years, a long pause, finally I'm a black belt in taekwondo. 

"With great power comes great responsibility"

I can't believe this, still. This is my other version of writing. 

Wishing there will be more and better writings in the future.

If you know me well, you surely know that to be standing there talking 

is already a big thing for me in many ways. 

But next time, I would grow better. 

Mungkin saat ini aku masih berjalan menuju ultimate dream seperti yang pernah kutuliskan sebelum-sebelumnya, tapi bersyukur sekali dalam perjalanan ini aku bisa open treasure chests dan unlock skills, dan bagian terbaiknya adalah... semua ini aku lalui bersama orang-orang tercintaku. Mari kita menjadi keren bersama!

Oya, mahasiswa-mahasiswi-ku, btw, mimpi-mimpiku juga aku tulis di banyak tempat kok dan nggak semuanya open for public. Sebagian yang kutulis di sini, mudah-mudahan menjadi artefak (jejak digital kalau kata generasi kalian), yang jelek-jelek jangan ditiru, yang baik-baik semoga jadi inspirasi. Kalian nggak harus nulis di blog juga, tapi tulislah mimpi kalian sebagai bagian dari manifesting your dreams. Good luck!

For dreams. For the future. For life!

Geminio!

Hi! Hello my loyal readers.

I actually logged out my Instagram, both my pink side and my green side.

Sampai sekarang selalu kembali lagi kesini saat-saat aku sedang lost my way.

Okay, tapi aku sedang mencoba untuk nggak menulis hal-hal yang itu-itu aja, yang beberapa tahun ini kutulis sepertinya hanya kegalauanku saja. Padahal... dalam hidupku beberapa tahun ini banyak hal yang menyenangkan.

Well, baiklah, some of you watched me grow through my posts, since Multiply, FB, IG, YT, etc. Dari jaman masih mahasiswa sampai jadi dosen, jaman jomblo hina sampai beranak satu bahagia, hahaha. 

Media sosial sungguh seperti candu yang rasanya lama-lama berefek kurang baik untukku, well, untukku bukan berarti untuk kalian juga ya. Akhir-akhir ini rasanya aku jadi hilang fokus terhadap hal-hal yang seharusnya aku perhatikan, ada perasaan semacam "greed" yang tumbuh dalam diriku. Well, I actually a greedy person, I think, refers to my post back in 2013. Jadi, ketika tidak mendapat perhatian yang sesuai dengan ekspektasi, ada rasa kecewa, lebih buruknya, kecewa terhadap diri sendiri. Dan itu memperburuk keadaan yang sudah ada. So, entah sampai kapan, mungkin IG stop dulu deh. Bahkan kucoba tanpa nge-post apapun di platform lain (hm, kadang jadi nge-post di WA story, just to shout out that I still alive.

Lalu, apa asiknya hari-hari tanpa media sosial... 

Sebenarnya masih aku cari juga sih hal-hal asik tanpa intention to post/share, to gain attention.

Nah, ketemu kan penyakitnya. 

ATTENTION.

Kalau kata Joseph Gordon-Levitt dalam TED Talk nya, ada dua kekuatan yang sama-sama kuatnya, yang sama-sama memberikan rasa yang menyenangkan dalam diri kita, yaitu "get attention" dan "pay attention". Perasaan greedy-ku terhadap "get attention" ini sepertinya semakin lama semakin mendominasi, dan membuat keputusan-keputusan dalam hidupku diambil dengan motivasi "to get attention". Ini sungguh nggak sehat, dan justru kontraproduktif.

Padahal banyak sekali hal-hal baik jika aku "pay attention" terhadap hal-hal yang ada di sekelilingku, yang mana hal-hal itu sebenarnya lebih penting, dan produktif.

Ok, let see apa yang akan terjadi beberapa waktu ke depan. Nggak janji juga sih untuk nulis lagi, karena setiap kali janji akan konsisten nulis, yang ada berakhir janji tinggallah janji.... PHP doank. FYI, PHP terhadap diri sendiri rasanya juga nggak enak lho.

Anyway, ini sudah Minggu ke-30 WfH. Banyak target-target (paper, buku, penelitian, bimbingan lomba, bimbingan skripsi dll... janji-janji juga ini) yang belum terpenuhi, berbanding terbalik sama mood yang makin kesini makin nggak jelas. Moga-moga sebelum tahun berganti, udah beberapa accomplished lah.

Eh kok deja vu ya. 

Rasanya... 10 tahun lalu aku seperti ini juga. Cuma targetnya dulu cuma satu: LULUS. Sekarang, hm, entah kenapa usia kok berbanding lurus dengan target-target yang mau dicapai ya. Berasa si target itu berkembang secara exponensial, kayak Gemino Curse (itu kutukan di brankas Bellatrix Lestrange yang bisa memperbanyak barang apapun yang disentuh, ngeselin kan?). Once I touch one, it generates multiple.

Ganbatte, myself!

Ma current mood

(Almost) 33 Years Old Me

Hei. Lama tak jumpa….

Umurku sekarang sudah 32, dan akan 33 tahun dalam beberapa hari.
Kadang aku pikir, well, life’s like a roller coaster, siklus yang mana pada suatu ketika akan kembali ke sebuah masa. Dan masa itu tertanda ketika terjadi hal-hal yang tidak menyenangkan, at least dalam pikiranku.

Melihat kembali catatan-catatan ketika umurku lebih muda, ada suatu masa ketika aku berpikir bahwa “I’m a total loser”. I wasn't good at anything, and everything happened to me was a total breakdown…. Then… somehow, it all fixed. Dunia cerah kembali, I can be myself effortlessly. Semuanya lancar jaya, baik-baik saja, menyenangkan.

Dan roda waktu berputar, kembali ke mode awal.

Frustrasi lagi.

Mungkin ini siklus ketiga yang kurasakan dalam (hampir) 33 tahun hidupku. Mustinya aku lebih berpengalaman sehingga bisa menghandle ini dengan lebih baik. Tapi nyatanya tidak semudah itu Ferguso…. Ini malah jauh lebih sulit.

Harus berdamai dengan “si setan kecil” dalam pikiranku ini.

Aku nggak tau harus bagaimana lagi untuk me-manage ini, dan setahuku terakhir kali aku mengalaminya, aku banyak menulis. Kalau kalian lihat, mungkin masa itulah aku banyak menulis tentang segala hal yang terpikir. Sehingga banyak momen yang terdokumentasi di tahun-tahun itu. Aku berharap ini bisa menolong, seperti waktu itu.

Apa yang salah kali ini, mungkin hanya ada dalam pikiranku saja. Mungkin yang dulu-dulu juga begitu, mungkin. Atau sekarang aku sudah terlalu tua (nggak bisa bilang dewasa juga sih), untuk menyalahkan external circumstances, walaupun mungkin beberapa menjadi factor yang mempengaruhi.

Beberapa kali mendengarkan ceramah dan kelas tentang mindfulness, ada beberapa tahap dimana kita bisa mencapai recovery, walaupun buat melaluinya juga dengan usaha yang tidak mudah. Beberapa kali bereaksi secara impulsif pada sebuah keadaan (yang mostly tidak menyenangkan), ada yang berhasil bagus, tapi kebanyakan malah memperburuk keadaan. Ya iyalah, kalau yang dipakai emosi, pasti ujung-ujungnya buruk. Keadaan yang tidak menyenangkan dalam pikiranku kali ini dampaknya buruk sekali rasanya. Dari keadaan itu aku menjadi marah, dengki, sedih, jengkel, capek, frustasi, malas, merasa dilupakan, dan serentetan hal-hal negative yang lainnya. I tried very hard to cope with this circumstance. Berusaha menjadi positif di tengah-tengah negatifnya pikiranku. I thank my husband and my son for being very supportive to me, during this whole time.

I can’t say what makes me feel this way, but I wish… in a blink, this problem will be solved. Seperti yang dulu-dulu, aku akan berusaha keras untuk menjadi bersinar kembali, menjadi diri sendiri dan tetap menyenangkan.

Beberapa tahun ini mungkin terasa sulit, tapi semoga masa menyenangkan nya bertahan saaaaaaangat lama. So then, the tears and pain I feel now, will be paid off.

For dreams.

For the future.

For life!!

Somehow, you'll shine

This is not the first
you feel this way
It's always the thirst
put you that way 

One day you glow
other day you low
everything grow
you too will bloom

Sometimes things go behind
walk your way determined
don't see other's mind
Somehow, you will shine

Tentang Mantan

Selamat larut malam, minna...

Sudah luamaaa sekali nggak nulis blog, dalam bahasa Indonesia pula. 

Beberapa tahun lalu, Mas Kamen Rider (now is Mr. Husband) adalah salah satu loyal reader blog Saya, waktu di Multiply (ah... Multiply...). Dia pernah bilang kalau, "aku kalo baca tulisanmu itu kayak kamu nongol dari layar trus cerita". Dan beberapa tahun kemudian, muncullah era vlog, yang Mana nggak usah pake nulis, bisa langsung nongol di layar, talking about everything.

Ngomongin soal mantan. Wihhh... 

Aku sedikit terusik karena dia selalu mengganggu.

Well, both me and my husband... Still can't get over it.

Sampe kemimpi-mimpi, kadang masih teringat rasanya, pingin balikan.

Mantan tempat tinggal kami, Jepang. 

Yee mantan kan nggak selalu mantan pacar aja.

Sudah 1.5 tahun kami nggak lagi menapak disana, tapi rasanya masih susah aja buat move on. 

Kenapa? 

Apakah terlalu nyaman disana? Maybe. 

Apakah karena di Indonesia belum settle? Maybe.

Kami nyaman aja ketika hidup disana. Tapi bukan berarti apa-apa nya lebih enak disana. Kalau inget rasanya berkali-kali pulang dari lab malam hari di musim dingin, atau hujan deras naik sepeda sampai basah kuyup ya nggak enak. Wong kalo di sini (alhamdulillah) bisa ditempuh naik mobil, kalopun bukan punya sendiri bisa pake Go Car. 

Ketika disana pulang jemput si Baymax bisa mampir taman bermain dulu, yang mana tersebar di setiap RT, kadang sekalian mampir supermarket buat beli bahan makan malam, kemana-mana naik sepeda mamachari (yang ada boncengan anak nya). Disini mau main ke playground gratisan paling deket ke Denggung (itungannya jauh juga), atau main ke mall tapi bayar at least parkir nya. Naik sepeda kemana-mana biar awet singset, seems too dangerous (my family warned us a lot to not using our bicycles for daily transportation).

Oke, sebenernya kalau diinget lagi banyak plus minusnya sih masing-masing, hidup di Jepang atau di Indonesia.

But my memory keeps the sweet one better than the bitter one. That's why I keep missing the time when we were there. Maybe.

Kadang masih terucap membandingkan ketika hidup disana seperti apa, Dan seperti biasa, bagian baiknya. Padahal sesungguhnya banyak juga yang menjadi lebih mudah dan menyenangkan ketika hidup disini, salah satunya ketika males masak disini bisa ng-Go Food. Hehehe.

Move on, Tid. Ayo melangkah maju. We love the memory, but can't live in the past. Mencoba move on, bukan pertama kali kutulis dalam 1.5 tahun ini. Beberapa kali rasanya sih udah nggak terlalu "gagal move on", karena kami semakin sibuk juga dengan kegiatan yang menyenangkan, bertemu orang-orang yang asik, dan beberapa achievements (walaupun kecil) yang kami dapat... di sini.

Menulis di media baru juga salah satu usaha move on. Yang dulunya di Multiply jadi nulis di blog atau Instagram. Sama mantan socmed yang ini, move on nya berat juga. Jadi inget ketika sakit parah dulu, saya terhibur karena bisa sambil nulis blog pake HP. Belum smartphone pula HP nya. Yg kalo kepencet back ilang semua yg sudah ditulis. Hiks. Tapi seneng dan semangat banget nulisnya. Apalagi setelah di post yang baca banyak, dan banyak juga feedbacknya. If you know how Multiply worked, you'll understand why I loved it a lot.

Mantan pacar? Ah sudahlah, in the end everyone's happy. Hehehe.

Tulisan ini mungkin nggak banyak berfaedah sih, seperti juga teori-teori cinta yang dulu kutulis waktu jomblo hina. But yeah... Let's move on. Buat semuanya yang masih gagal move on. Nggak hanya soal kehidupan percintaan saja, bisa jadi tempat hidup, pekerjaan, sekolah, sosmed, barang... Anything that you cannot move on from.

Again.

We love the memory, but can't live in the past.

The Life You Have

Hello~! It’s 2018 now.

How’s life?

2017 was brutally rough, I admit.

There were several ups and too many downs, which I wasn't really ready. That was my fault, partly. I wasn't prepared much for our (my little family) new life after Japan.

However, I learned a lot of things during this tough time, mostly apart from what I formally study *grin*. Like… being entrepreneur (seller, to be exact), dealing with people, curing my trauma and depression… and many more.

I felt like life is so much more difficult here in Indonesia, despite its heavenly weather. I dragged into wildlife and try to survive with everything I can do. It sickened me, triggered the “little devil inside” (trauma from the past) to come out, and I can’t control. Later I persuade myself trying not to blame that anymore, and just face the hardship. It wasn't easy. I struggled a lot, with strong support from my husband. 

Anyway, lately everything gets clearer. Those rough stuffs start to show its form. 

Our small business start to grow, we understand our own SWOT, which is become our base to make decisions. What we can, DO, and what we can’t, COLLAB. We realize we can’t do everything by ourselves. One lesson, learned.

During a year, I was trying my best to stay run on path as much as possible. Stick to my dream to be a teacher in my former university. I know it’s difficult, but I keep on chasing it. It may sounds stubborn, but I believe my dreams. Whatever it takes, even with so much tears or blood, I will do my best to make it happen. 

Then I drown into depression, I lose my self-confidence, being loser.

It was not easy to face people at that time. Whenever they asked, “How are you? What are you doing lately? Where are you working?”. There was a huge spear come straight to my chest, it hurts so much, without they knowing.

I start to love gardening afterwards, to reduce my intention of thinking about the loss, beside to get my house cooler. It was fun, it still is. I spend much time enjoy taking care of those “cool” indoor plants, beside my little shop. Those guys grow really slow, and I sometimes lose patience. But hey, that’s the lesson I must learn from this hobby. Patience. Every pretty thing takes time, or money. If you don't have much money, take more time (and effort), be patience. That’s lesson number two.

I ended 2017 with more layer in my rainbow cake. Surprisingly, my messy life gets better. With uncertainty, still. But I feel grateful with what I (we, me and my little family) have done and achieved so far. At least we stepped forward, we’re progressing, and we gained something. Not much money, though, but tons of experience. 

Through the year, I pray to God as much as I complain. How can I complain my life to God???  That’s shameful, actually. I should look more to what I have in my life lately. It looks BRUTALLY ROUGH in one side, but it actually AMAZINGLY GREAT in another side.

Well, the life I complained about is maybe the life other people want to have.

The messy house, too much (unrelated) works, son that difficult to eat, and so on. 

What if I think otherwise?

Maybe I have house that other people want to have, the “job” that that other people want to have, the kid that other people want to have, and so on.

When I sit in the corner of my garden, spray my monsteras while thinking, “Why is everything not going as planned,” then start crying, grumbling my failures instead of accomplishment. 

Other people may think, “You’re lucky to have plenty of time sitting in the corner of the garden, spraying your cool plants, taking pictures and upload to your Instagram,”. 

I just realized it couple days ago.

It really takes much time, and tears, to learn this lesson, GRATEFUL.

My father once said, in my depression time, “You must live happily, and happiness is not always about the success (in work)”. That’s true.

From now on, I should be more grateful to God, especially, for giving me life this long. He gave me second chance to see how beautiful life is, even during the hard time. So that, I can be happier, even though I am not success yet (but I keep on trying).

I think it’s my destiny to be a “forever student”, I can’t stop learning new things (at least in my point of view). Even a PhD still takes some time to understand such thing. The world is so wide, anyway.

So, be grateful with the life you have, cherish every moment both good and bad times.

Good morning :)

Photo by @justjaicko

30 and still learning...

Well, I am 30 now. A bit late, though, to write a birthday post for myself, but it's OK.

So, I came back to Indonesia again.

And life was quite tough in our first 6 months. My family, the 3 of us, was like writing in a new blank book.

I still don't have a formal job yet, but enjoy the new (very small) business. Yes, a we started a business since we came back. And this (very small) business is growing... a bit slowly.

Me and my husband are basically not a business-kind-of-person. We had no background in it at all. But we struggles for life. We do all we can do, and learn from the beginning.

I did apply for a job, for teaching in university, but failed. And now there are questions that been asked in the interview spinning in my head, "Why would you learn from beginning again whereas you already gained this much (my degree)? Don't you think it will waste all the money that those scholarship invested in you?" (OK, to make a long story short, I applied for the different school from my bachelor)

Well... I still thinking.

Life is never-ending learning process...

When I think about that question, I didn't feel sorry to my donors at all, if I have to learn something new to make a living.

If my life is a business, those studies were probably are failed attempts to make much money at a time. But in business, once you failed, you can start again with a new brand/product. And it maybe lead you to success. And when the business grows big already, the failed product can be relaunched, and maybe succeed.

That's what I think about my learning process.

I probably cannot make a living with my educational background, currently. So I have to learn other thing, even I didn't have any idea at all about it before. But I can earn money, little by little. I don't give up on doing "my thing", but maybe it's not its time yet to live from it. While learning the new things, I keep on maintaining and updating the knowledge I already had.

About the questions...

I am truly fine to study everything from the beginning because I am naturally a learner. That's why I enjoyed doing research. It is not a big deal for me to learn something new from the beginning, from the scratch like I learn how to make crochet, how to bake a brownie, how to make a bread, how to use sewing machine, and how to start a shop...

It's just about time to use my "weapon" that those scholarships invested in me. I keep on trying to share and to make use of the knowledge I gained to be beneficial to other people.

But now, I have to make a living, by studying new things... I remember that God will elevate the degree of the knowledgeable and the righteous.

Then, there is no loss in gaining more knowledge 😊 that's what I believe.

In this age, I always always always grateful to Allah that bless me with wonderful life.

I have my husband and son who loves me unconditionally.

My supportive family around me.

Chances that I dreamed.

Most of all, my health.

I also asked God for many things... I am 30 now, so I keep the wishes only to myself and God 😁

It is very nice to write again.... See you soon, my loyal readers...

Love,
The Pink Cat

What’s Next? (Season 2)

Yes, this season is almost come to an end.

But an END will become the BEGIN for the next season, if you watch a series like Game of Throne. 

Hahaha.

Oke, pertanyaan ini adalah yang kedua kali kutanyakan pada diri sendiri setelah 5 tahun berselang (you can read the previous one here).

5 tahun yang lalu, aku tidak menyangka akan berada di titik ini. This is beyond my imagination. Dan tulisan ini dibuat beberapa jam setelah masukin jilidan disertasi di Kinko’s (guys, bersyukurlah di Indonesia tukang fotokopi dan jilid itu banyak dan murah, disini jauh men… mahal pula).

Sooo…. This was what I said 5 years ago:

My passion: become a writer, a traveler, a travel writer.

Question: are you really competent in it?

DOENG!! 

(hammer fell down to head)

Dream: become a professor

Genie said: “NGIMPIII!!!”

I always think that everything good happened in me was LUCK. 

I am lucky being accepted in Gadjah Mada University when I was 18.

I am lucky I am still alive when I was 21, but that’s true.

I am lucky I can take master study in Thailand and got scholarship when I was 24.

I am lucky to attend DRC class in Kyoto University, and my dream to visit Japan came true when I was 25.

I am lucky to continue study in Kyoto University as doctoral student and got scholarship again when I was 26.

And now… I am 29, about to finish my doctoral study… Is it still because of LUCK?

I think I probably have a problem with self-confidence, since I always consider those awesome things as just LUCK, when I actually struggled to achieve them. 

“Are you really competent in it?”

What reason I can say no, while other people recognized more than I myself.

Those people gave me chance and money for me to live my dreams because they trust me, they believe in me. Even Allah believes that I can do something worthy by let me live longer.

Why should they gamble on someone unworthy…?

Mungkin sudah saatnya aku mulai percaya pada diri sendiri, that I AM CAPABLE. If now I am not yet capable, I wish God give me more time to struggle more until I become capable.

So, what’s next?

I admit now I am not thinking about myself only since I got married and have kid.

But I refuse to give up dreaming, because that’s why my life is exciting.

I probably plan to publish my research in the first months after I come back to Indonesia, working on the paper and apply to related scientific journal. To make my degree official :D some people will doubt my PhD degree without a (or several) journal paper.

Meanwhile, starting a new life in Indonesia with my husband. He surely has his own dreams to achieve, and it is now his turn to make it come true. I will support him as much as I can.

I sometimes joking, “If I’m not teaching (in university), I will open a knit shop”. Well…, everyone must have back up plans in their life, right. If one failed, you can try the other. But am I seriously will open a knit shop? I don't know, a “knit shop” means something I enjoy and excited in doing it. I enjoy the process and excited for the result, eventhough in the middle I find obstacles but I will keep on doing, fighting, until I finish. Like doing a research, isn’t it? So, I think I will do such thing, but what is it exactly, I am still observing.

I like to travel a lot. It means I maybe will try to find a chance to go again after this. We, me and my husband, will try to settle things in our home, Indonesia, before start the next adventure. We want to go further, to the other part of the world. But how we will go… it’s a mystery.

Who knows about the future?

But when I look back to my old note, I smiled

I was done much unimaginable stuffs since then

And my history was written quite great

Now let’s write another great story in the future

For dreams, for the future, for life!!

Kyoto, August 24, 2016

29 year-old Atrida Hadianti

Progress Report

He he he hello!!!

Here I am again.

I apologized for many times that I didn't wrote much during my living in Japan. But who cares?

But I know there is loyal reader(s) waiting for my update :)

This year will be my last year living in Japan as doctoral student. I kinda sad about that. We (me and my husband) tried as best as we can to live longer here, but seems the universe is not support us. There are many barriers that we can not break in this limited time. So, we decide to go back to Indonesia after I finish study here. I don't know for how long we will live there, and how we will make a living. But I am sure, we will take another journey to somewhere in the Earth in very near future.

So, now many people asked me one of the most sacred question to doctoral student,

"how is your research going?"

Yeah, it keep going... never stop a bit, even in my dreams it still haunting me. Sounds scary, isn't it?

But that's truth.

I was in a little depression lately. Some friends noticed that my face looks unhappy.

I start feel disappointed to myself, feeling foolish and stupid.

I want to achieve many thing but keep failing.

Then I realize that I just become greedy and impatient.

I can still living in my dreams but really, even dreams takes time to coming true.

I stubbornly resist to reset my dreams, I still dreaming high. But I must understand, the higher I dream the more painful it will feel when I fall down.

But I should know how to go up again after fall down, so I could put myself higher than before.

I thank my husband a lot for let me cry worse than a baby during the hard time.

Now I am raise again from the fall, try to wipe the pain of the failed goals.

And focus to research, raising my kid, and loving my husband.

Then, gradually the research is now find a way out of its dead end alley.

Wish me luck, I will do my best, give my 100% heart and mind into it.

夢のために、将来のために、生活のために

For dreams, for the future, for life

#inspiration

Hola!

Random post today, I think nowadays no one read this blog. Hahaha...

This morning my husband showed this video, and I kept thinking during my bicycle riding to campus.

:)

Bersemangat!

for dreams. for the future. for life!!!