Tentang Mantan

Selamat larut malam, minna...

Sudah luamaaa sekali nggak nulis blog, dalam bahasa Indonesia pula. 

Beberapa tahun lalu, Mas Kamen Rider (now is Mr. Husband) adalah salah satu loyal reader blog Saya, waktu di Multiply (ah... Multiply...). Dia pernah bilang kalau, "aku kalo baca tulisanmu itu kayak kamu nongol dari layar trus cerita". Dan beberapa tahun kemudian, muncullah era vlog, yang Mana nggak usah pake nulis, bisa langsung nongol di layar, talking about everything.

Ngomongin soal mantan. Wihhh... 

Aku sedikit terusik karena dia selalu mengganggu.

Well, both me and my husband... Still can't get over it.

Sampe kemimpi-mimpi, kadang masih teringat rasanya, pingin balikan.

Mantan tempat tinggal kami, Jepang. 

Yee mantan kan nggak selalu mantan pacar aja.

Sudah 1.5 tahun kami nggak lagi menapak disana, tapi rasanya masih susah aja buat move on. 

Kenapa? 

Apakah terlalu nyaman disana? Maybe. 

Apakah karena di Indonesia belum settle? Maybe.

Kami nyaman aja ketika hidup disana. Tapi bukan berarti apa-apa nya lebih enak disana. Kalau inget rasanya berkali-kali pulang dari lab malam hari di musim dingin, atau hujan deras naik sepeda sampai basah kuyup ya nggak enak. Wong kalo di sini (alhamdulillah) bisa ditempuh naik mobil, kalopun bukan punya sendiri bisa pake Go Car. 

Ketika disana pulang jemput si Baymax bisa mampir taman bermain dulu, yang mana tersebar di setiap RT, kadang sekalian mampir supermarket buat beli bahan makan malam, kemana-mana naik sepeda mamachari (yang ada boncengan anak nya). Disini mau main ke playground gratisan paling deket ke Denggung (itungannya jauh juga), atau main ke mall tapi bayar at least parkir nya. Naik sepeda kemana-mana biar awet singset, seems too dangerous (my family warned us a lot to not using our bicycles for daily transportation).

Oke, sebenernya kalau diinget lagi banyak plus minusnya sih masing-masing, hidup di Jepang atau di Indonesia.

But my memory keeps the sweet one better than the bitter one. That's why I keep missing the time when we were there. Maybe.

Kadang masih terucap membandingkan ketika hidup disana seperti apa, Dan seperti biasa, bagian baiknya. Padahal sesungguhnya banyak juga yang menjadi lebih mudah dan menyenangkan ketika hidup disini, salah satunya ketika males masak disini bisa ng-Go Food. Hehehe.

Move on, Tid. Ayo melangkah maju. We love the memory, but can't live in the past. Mencoba move on, bukan pertama kali kutulis dalam 1.5 tahun ini. Beberapa kali rasanya sih udah nggak terlalu "gagal move on", karena kami semakin sibuk juga dengan kegiatan yang menyenangkan, bertemu orang-orang yang asik, dan beberapa achievements (walaupun kecil) yang kami dapat... di sini.

Menulis di media baru juga salah satu usaha move on. Yang dulunya di Multiply jadi nulis di blog atau Instagram. Sama mantan socmed yang ini, move on nya berat juga. Jadi inget ketika sakit parah dulu, saya terhibur karena bisa sambil nulis blog pake HP. Belum smartphone pula HP nya. Yg kalo kepencet back ilang semua yg sudah ditulis. Hiks. Tapi seneng dan semangat banget nulisnya. Apalagi setelah di post yang baca banyak, dan banyak juga feedbacknya. If you know how Multiply worked, you'll understand why I loved it a lot.

Mantan pacar? Ah sudahlah, in the end everyone's happy. Hehehe.

Tulisan ini mungkin nggak banyak berfaedah sih, seperti juga teori-teori cinta yang dulu kutulis waktu jomblo hina. But yeah... Let's move on. Buat semuanya yang masih gagal move on. Nggak hanya soal kehidupan percintaan saja, bisa jadi tempat hidup, pekerjaan, sekolah, sosmed, barang... Anything that you cannot move on from.

Again.

We love the memory, but can't live in the past.

The Life You Have

Hello~! It’s 2018 now.

How’s life?

2017 was brutally rough, I admit.

There were several ups and too many downs, which I wasn't really ready. That was my fault, partly. I wasn't prepared much for our (my little family) new life after Japan.

However, I learned a lot of things during this tough time, mostly apart from what I formally study *grin*. Like… being entrepreneur (seller, to be exact), dealing with people, curing my trauma and depression… and many more.

I felt like life is so much more difficult here in Indonesia, despite its heavenly weather. I dragged into wildlife and try to survive with everything I can do. It sickened me, triggered the “little devil inside” (trauma from the past) to come out, and I can’t control. Later I persuade myself trying not to blame that anymore, and just face the hardship. It wasn't easy. I struggled a lot, with strong support from my husband. 

Anyway, lately everything gets clearer. Those rough stuffs start to show its form. 

Our small business start to grow, we understand our own SWOT, which is become our base to make decisions. What we can, DO, and what we can’t, COLLAB. We realize we can’t do everything by ourselves. One lesson, learned.

During a year, I was trying my best to stay run on path as much as possible. Stick to my dream to be a teacher in my former university. I know it’s difficult, but I keep on chasing it. It may sounds stubborn, but I believe my dreams. Whatever it takes, even with so much tears or blood, I will do my best to make it happen. 

Then I drown into depression, I lose my self-confidence, being loser.

It was not easy to face people at that time. Whenever they asked, “How are you? What are you doing lately? Where are you working?”. There was a huge spear come straight to my chest, it hurts so much, without they knowing.

I start to love gardening afterwards, to reduce my intention of thinking about the loss, beside to get my house cooler. It was fun, it still is. I spend much time enjoy taking care of those “cool” indoor plants, beside my little shop. Those guys grow really slow, and I sometimes lose patience. But hey, that’s the lesson I must learn from this hobby. Patience. Every pretty thing takes time, or money. If you don't have much money, take more time (and effort), be patience. That’s lesson number two.

I ended 2017 with more layer in my rainbow cake. Surprisingly, my messy life gets better. With uncertainty, still. But I feel grateful with what I (we, me and my little family) have done and achieved so far. At least we stepped forward, we’re progressing, and we gained something. Not much money, though, but tons of experience. 

Through the year, I pray to God as much as I complain. How can I complain my life to God???  That’s shameful, actually. I should look more to what I have in my life lately. It looks BRUTALLY ROUGH in one side, but it actually AMAZINGLY GREAT in another side.

Well, the life I complained about is maybe the life other people want to have.

The messy house, too much (unrelated) works, son that difficult to eat, and so on. 

What if I think otherwise?

Maybe I have house that other people want to have, the “job” that that other people want to have, the kid that other people want to have, and so on.

When I sit in the corner of my garden, spray my monsteras while thinking, “Why is everything not going as planned,” then start crying, grumbling my failures instead of accomplishment. 

Other people may think, “You’re lucky to have plenty of time sitting in the corner of the garden, spraying your cool plants, taking pictures and upload to your Instagram,”. 

I just realized it couple days ago.

It really takes much time, and tears, to learn this lesson, GRATEFUL.

My father once said, in my depression time, “You must live happily, and happiness is not always about the success (in work)”. That’s true.

From now on, I should be more grateful to God, especially, for giving me life this long. He gave me second chance to see how beautiful life is, even during the hard time. So that, I can be happier, even though I am not success yet (but I keep on trying).

I think it’s my destiny to be a “forever student”, I can’t stop learning new things (at least in my point of view). Even a PhD still takes some time to understand such thing. The world is so wide, anyway.

So, be grateful with the life you have, cherish every moment both good and bad times.

Good morning :)

Photo by @justjaicko

30 and still learning...

Well, I am 30 now. A bit late, though, to write a birthday post for myself, but it's OK.

So, I came back to Indonesia again.

And life was quite tough in our first 6 months. My family, the 3 of us, was like writing in a new blank book.

I still don't have a formal job yet, but enjoy the new (very small) business. Yes, a we started a business since we came back. And this (very small) business is growing... a bit slowly.

Me and my husband are basically not a business-kind-of-person. We had no background in it at all. But we struggles for life. We do all we can do, and learn from the beginning.

I did apply for a job, for teaching in university, but failed. And now there are questions that been asked in the interview spinning in my head, "Why would you learn from beginning again whereas you already gained this much (my degree)? Don't you think it will waste all the money that those scholarship invested in you?" (OK, to make a long story short, I applied for the different school from my bachelor)

Well... I still thinking.

Life is never-ending learning process...

When I think about that question, I didn't feel sorry to my donors at all, if I have to learn something new to make a living.

If my life is a business, those studies were probably are failed attempts to make much money at a time. But in business, once you failed, you can start again with a new brand/product. And it maybe lead you to success. And when the business grows big already, the failed product can be relaunched, and maybe succeed.

That's what I think about my learning process.

I probably cannot make a living with my educational background, currently. So I have to learn other thing, even I didn't have any idea at all about it before. But I can earn money, little by little. I don't give up on doing "my thing", but maybe it's not its time yet to live from it. While learning the new things, I keep on maintaining and updating the knowledge I already had.

About the questions...

I am truly fine to study everything from the beginning because I am naturally a learner. That's why I enjoyed doing research. It is not a big deal for me to learn something new from the beginning, from the scratch like I learn how to make crochet, how to bake a brownie, how to make a bread, how to use sewing machine, and how to start a shop...

It's just about time to use my "weapon" that those scholarships invested in me. I keep on trying to share and to make use of the knowledge I gained to be beneficial to other people.

But now, I have to make a living, by studying new things... I remember that God will elevate the degree of the knowledgeable and the righteous.

Then, there is no loss in gaining more knowledge 😊 that's what I believe.

In this age, I always always always grateful to Allah that bless me with wonderful life.

I have my husband and son who loves me unconditionally.

My supportive family around me.

Chances that I dreamed.

Most of all, my health.

I also asked God for many things... I am 30 now, so I keep the wishes only to myself and God 😁

It is very nice to write again.... See you soon, my loyal readers...

Love,
The Pink Cat

What’s Next? (Season 2)

Yes, this season is almost come to an end.

But an END will become the BEGIN for the next season, if you watch a series like Game of Throne. 

Hahaha.

Oke, pertanyaan ini adalah yang kedua kali kutanyakan pada diri sendiri setelah 5 tahun berselang (you can read the previous one here).

5 tahun yang lalu, aku tidak menyangka akan berada di titik ini. This is beyond my imagination. Dan tulisan ini dibuat beberapa jam setelah masukin jilidan disertasi di Kinko’s (guys, bersyukurlah di Indonesia tukang fotokopi dan jilid itu banyak dan murah, disini jauh men… mahal pula).

Sooo…. This was what I said 5 years ago:

My passion: become a writer, a traveler, a travel writer.

Question: are you really competent in it?

DOENG!! 

(hammer fell down to head)

Dream: become a professor

Genie said: “NGIMPIII!!!”

I always think that everything good happened in me was LUCK. 

I am lucky being accepted in Gadjah Mada University when I was 18.

I am lucky I am still alive when I was 21, but that’s true.

I am lucky I can take master study in Thailand and got scholarship when I was 24.

I am lucky to attend DRC class in Kyoto University, and my dream to visit Japan came true when I was 25.

I am lucky to continue study in Kyoto University as doctoral student and got scholarship again when I was 26.

And now… I am 29, about to finish my doctoral study… Is it still because of LUCK?

I think I probably have a problem with self-confidence, since I always consider those awesome things as just LUCK, when I actually struggled to achieve them. 

“Are you really competent in it?”

What reason I can say no, while other people recognized more than I myself.

Those people gave me chance and money for me to live my dreams because they trust me, they believe in me. Even Allah believes that I can do something worthy by let me live longer.

Why should they gamble on someone unworthy…?

Mungkin sudah saatnya aku mulai percaya pada diri sendiri, that I AM CAPABLE. If now I am not yet capable, I wish God give me more time to struggle more until I become capable.

So, what’s next?

I admit now I am not thinking about myself only since I got married and have kid.

But I refuse to give up dreaming, because that’s why my life is exciting.

I probably plan to publish my research in the first months after I come back to Indonesia, working on the paper and apply to related scientific journal. To make my degree official :D some people will doubt my PhD degree without a (or several) journal paper.

Meanwhile, starting a new life in Indonesia with my husband. He surely has his own dreams to achieve, and it is now his turn to make it come true. I will support him as much as I can.

I sometimes joking, “If I’m not teaching (in university), I will open a knit shop”. Well…, everyone must have back up plans in their life, right. If one failed, you can try the other. But am I seriously will open a knit shop? I don't know, a “knit shop” means something I enjoy and excited in doing it. I enjoy the process and excited for the result, eventhough in the middle I find obstacles but I will keep on doing, fighting, until I finish. Like doing a research, isn’t it? So, I think I will do such thing, but what is it exactly, I am still observing.

I like to travel a lot. It means I maybe will try to find a chance to go again after this. We, me and my husband, will try to settle things in our home, Indonesia, before start the next adventure. We want to go further, to the other part of the world. But how we will go… it’s a mystery.

Who knows about the future?

But when I look back to my old note, I smiled

I was done much unimaginable stuffs since then

And my history was written quite great

Now let’s write another great story in the future

For dreams, for the future, for life!!

Kyoto, August 24, 2016

29 year-old Atrida Hadianti

Progress Report

He he he hello!!!

Here I am again.

I apologized for many times that I didn't wrote much during my living in Japan. But who cares?

But I know there is loyal reader(s) waiting for my update :)

This year will be my last year living in Japan as doctoral student. I kinda sad about that. We (me and my husband) tried as best as we can to live longer here, but seems the universe is not support us. There are many barriers that we can not break in this limited time. So, we decide to go back to Indonesia after I finish study here. I don't know for how long we will live there, and how we will make a living. But I am sure, we will take another journey to somewhere in the Earth in very near future.

So, now many people asked me one of the most sacred question to doctoral student,

"how is your research going?"

Yeah, it keep going... never stop a bit, even in my dreams it still haunting me. Sounds scary, isn't it?

But that's truth.

I was in a little depression lately. Some friends noticed that my face looks unhappy.

I start feel disappointed to myself, feeling foolish and stupid.

I want to achieve many thing but keep failing.

Then I realize that I just become greedy and impatient.

I can still living in my dreams but really, even dreams takes time to coming true.

I stubbornly resist to reset my dreams, I still dreaming high. But I must understand, the higher I dream the more painful it will feel when I fall down.

But I should know how to go up again after fall down, so I could put myself higher than before.

I thank my husband a lot for let me cry worse than a baby during the hard time.

Now I am raise again from the fall, try to wipe the pain of the failed goals.

And focus to research, raising my kid, and loving my husband.

Then, gradually the research is now find a way out of its dead end alley.

Wish me luck, I will do my best, give my 100% heart and mind into it.

夢のために、将来のために、生活のために

For dreams, for the future, for life

#inspiration

Hola!

Random post today, I think nowadays no one read this blog. Hahaha...

This morning my husband showed this video, and I kept thinking during my bicycle riding to campus.

:)

Bersemangat!

for dreams. for the future. for life!!!

28 Years Old Me

Yeay! It’s been a long time I didn't write any birthday post.

Well, HAPPY 28^th BIRTHDAY to myself (on May 12)

I always always being grateful that I could live this long… it is the greatest gift from God for me.

Latest birthday post was when I turned 25. I was in Thailand pursuing my master degree. And time really flies so fast, 3 freaking years already passed! I feel like I still 25 years old, but in fact I get older and older in age number.

So, what changes in me after 3 years?

Many things changed.

I am now married, my ‘jomblo hina’ (desperate single) era was ended beautifully.

I am now living in Japan, already 1 and half years, and still have 1.5 years more, or probably longer.

I am now pursuing doctoral degree, stage I never thought I would reach in this age.

The most important is… I am now a mother.

And… I think my body is now being very nice to me, since I feel a lot healthier and a lot more active.

See, there are many changes that I have to be thankful of :)

Somehow, being 28 years old give me an effect of being mature, somekind like… I should more behave like a mature adult. However, I maybe still want to be young and free, like age is not an obstacle for me for enjoy life as I want to. I still can enjoy traveling, get lost in somewhere randomly, playing with water, wearing colorful clothes… anything. Something changed is just now I am with my husband and little baby. And they are my awesome crazy mates. I can still traveling and get lost with them, and even wearing colorful clothes matching with them. Maybe, as I get older, something also changed in my mind, or the way I behave to others, but I wish it is in a good way.

Something never change from myself is… I STILL A DAYDREAMER.

There are many goals I wanna reach in the future.

For myself, for my family too…

My personal dreams, and family goals…

I still want to travel around the world, with my family. I don't know, it will be turn out… maybe for study (again), for work, or just traveling on vacation. As long as I can go to a new place in the world, I am happy.

I still want to do something useful for many people. I feel, I never do anything useful for people yet until now. I’m still thinking the way I would make it happen someday… but for now, I have to study harder, maybe someday the knowledge I gained might be useful.

Short-term dream… conduct my research in awesome way, I want to make it one of my masterpiece I will be proud of. And maybe… related to my statement above, can be useful for people too.  I also look for a fit job for me in the future. Some said, doctoral graduate may fit in teaching job, I honestly want to do it too, but kinda not confident yet. I don't know, something happened in the past regarding this matter, or maybe I just too afraid of being rejected by university I dream to work for. Hehehe…. Wherever, Jogja, Surabaya… or maybe Japan… I’ll do my best!!!

Well, I am now 28 years old.

2 more years to turn 30… hahaha…

It’s not a big deal.

Age can be older, but my soul will stay young!

Let’s being awesome in 28!

For freams, for the future, for life!!!

Catatan Seorang Mamasiswa

Aaaaaaakkkk!!!

Berapa kali aku galau berat dalam blog ini?

Kayanya cuma nulis pas galau aja ya. Hehehehe… gomen ne, habisnya kalo galau di socmed kok kesannya lebay gimanaaaa gitu. Lagian ini blog sudah jarang ku update, hikks…

Oke,tanggal berapa sekarang?

17 April 2015

eh? Sudah April lagi? Sudah tahun 2015??

So, I’ve been thinking… I already 1.5 year in here… I am now in 2^nd year… 2^nd semester of my study. My study. Caps locked, MY STUDY. Jreng jreeeeng!

You know what?

Somehow, I still can’t believe that I am on this stage… being a doctoral student. I was a very ordinary student when I was in undergrad, I was also not an outstanding student among the other students in master. I just a lucky student.

So, with no knowledge of being doctoral student, I just doing this and that related to my current research… progressing as slow as snail… keep on busying my head thinking about research and stuffs, and baby, and house works and traveling (I try to do it as much as I can, even though it is not really much, actually).

Then, suddenly I realize that things become more complicated. I should not be just doing what I’m doing now…, should be more, deeper, faster… So now I try to adjust myself with it. Sometimes, or always, I need something to waken me up, like… deadlines, for every single goals.

Sesungguhnya agak repot juga menjalani research, at the same time, ngurusin bayi, dan ngurusin badan. Hehehe. Tapi ngurusin badan berbanding lurus dengan bikin research dan nguruin si Baymax, bayi yang batrenya maximal.

Sebelumnya aku pernah bercerita tentang galau ASI yang kualami, itu salah satu tantangan terbesar menjadi seorang mamasiswa (student mama). Some people may judge me anything tentang diriku yang bisa dibilang gagal kasih ASI eksklusif. But…, I try, I tried my best to give him… but, as my husband said, everyone have their own condition, and I already tried my best *sob (I always become very sentimental about this). Buat yang sukses, somehow, kalian membuatku iri maksimal, kadang-kadang suka nyeri di hati setiap ngeliat ada yang ngepost hasil pompa ASI yang berbotol-botol, berkulkas-kulkas, sorry kalo aku menganggapnya pamer, dan suka mendadak bete seharian gara-gara lihat gambar gitu. If you’re on my condition, you will know how it feels :)

Then, belajar adalah prioritas utama buat semua pelajar, dari SD sampe S3 sekalipun. Untungnya sekolah nggak kaya HP Samsung galaxy, sampe S6, ga kebayang bisa botak aku kalo sekolah terus. But having a baby make studying feels like an illegal activity, harus sembunyi-sembunyi, colong-colong waktu. Baru baca jurnal bagian abstract belom kelar, si Baymax udah ngajak main. Kalo enggak, kertasnya dipake mainan, kalo pake laptop, keyboardnya dipukul-pukul. Kapan kelar mama baca jurnalnya, Baymaaaxx??

Si Baymax sekarang sudah 10 bulan, mulai belajar berdiri dan jalan. Udah bisa main sendiri sama mainannya, yang kata mertua anak laki-laki mainannya harus banyak. So far mainannya sih dimainin dengan setengah bener. Seperti main bola dilempar-dikejar, main mobil-mobilan digeser-geser, dan gitar kecil dipetik senarnya… sampe copot. Hehehe…

Sekarang juga mulai bisa makan sendiri, walaupun berantakan abis. Dikenalin MPASI pake metode baby-led weaning, dianya sih seneng banget, bisa main sambil makan. Note that it is more playing than eating. But it’s ok, yang penting dia mau makan dengan fun. Soal porsi, memang sih nggak sebanyak disuapin (spoon-feeding) yang masuk, karena lebih dari setengahnya dipake mainan, kecuali kalo dikasih stroberi, habis bis! I mixed BLW and SF in weaning for my baby, conditionally. Kadang-kadang males bikin bubur-buburan dan pingin ngajak makan bareng di meja (si bayi pake high chair pastinya) ya pake BLW. Kalo lagi males beresin dan agak buru-buru ya SF. Walaupun nggak selalu lancar, tapi K punya selera makan yang cukup bagus akhir-akhir ini. Inilah bagian yang membuatku terhibur dari galau ASI, he’s quite good on weaning and his development going very well *cheers

OK, karena sudah lama enggak nulis, pas kubaca lagi ke atas, kok ceritaku enggak urut, bahasa berantakan, dan ngaco. Kadang iri juga sama mbak-mbak blogger ngetop yang konsisten posting, bahasa dan cerita menarik, dan pastinya punya banyak followers yang setia menanti ceritanya. I used to be very excited to write back then, when I still using multiply, having many loyal readers who become my real friends, getting feedback in every single post and interact with them. But now, everything changing, life keep on going… even I don’t get many readers like before, but one loyal reader still waiting for my stories… my beloved husband *kiss.

Akhir kata, I have to rush myself to progressing my research, make it my masterpiece! And keep the baby healthy and happy. Keep my husband healthy and satisfy, too~ hahaha!

Greeting from Kyoto

Spring 2015

The Pink Cat

PS: Mr. Kamen Rider is planning to take entrance exam for take master study in here, please wish him a good luck!

ASI Madness

Hahaha!

Being a mother is a blessing.

But being mother that can complete 6 months exclusively breastfeeding is amazing!

For me, it is struggling.

Yup, setiap ibu pasti ingin memberikan yang terbaik untuk anaknya, terutama untuk urusan menyusui. Ibu kucing aja bisa ASI eksklusif, mestinya ibu manusia juga bisa donk...

Sebelum lahiran aku sudah pede aja bakalan bisa ASI eksklusif, walaupun sambil kuliah. Ah, kuliah S3 kan nggak se-gembruduk S1 dan S2. Classes cuma 3 kali seminggu, dan selebihnya bisa ngerjain research di rumah, sambil nyusuin si bayi. Rencana sudah disusun matang sebelum lahiran, sampe sudah siap-siap breast pump juga.

Tiba saatnya lahiran... Oke, saya nggak gitu ngeh sama yang namanya IMD-IMD-an, secara disini dokternya pun agak susah bahasa Inggris, jadi okelah ikut aja prosedur melahirkan pada umumnya. Tapi kalo kubaca-baca dari forum dan blog ibu-ibu (later, I really hate this!), sepertinya aku ikut juga prosedur IMD, dimana setelah lahir si bayi ditaruh di dada dan mencari sendiri sumber susunya. Hihihi... lucu lho rasanya, apalagi K waktu lahir ukurannya kecil. Jadi geli-geli gitu waktu merambat.

Umur 2 hari, pagi-pagi dikasihtau kalo si bayi kuning dan harus diterapi. Oke, aku sih nggak ada masalah dia diterapi. Tapi habis itu... selain ASI, dia dikasih susu formula sama RS. Aku sempet ngotot mau kasih ASI aja, tapi dokter bilang, "But your baby now need more than you produce," don't blame me, I'm a mother and I want the best for my baby, I agree with it, with many considerations.

Pulang ke rumah, segalanya berjalan lancar, sampai akhirnya... seminggu kemudian aku masuk kuliah (I only took a break for 2 weeks for baby delivery, 1 week at the hospital and 1 week at home), dan persediaan asip ternyata nggak cukup buat si bayi selama aku tinggal (FYI, waktu itu dari rumah ke kampus perjalanannya 1,5 jam sendiri, PP 3 jam, di kampus 2 jam, waktu nunggu bus 1 jam sendiri karena busnya lewat cuma 30 menit sekali, so total pergi sekitar 6 jam). Selama 6 minggu, mau nggak mau si bayi minum ASI didampingi susu formula.

Liburan musim panas sungguh menyenangkan, karena jadi punya banyak waktu di rumah. Walaupun sesekali ke kampus cuma buat menampakkan batang hidung di lab, tapi seminggu bisa 1 atau 2 kali aja, itupun kalo ada seminar. Akhirnya K bisa ASI eksklusif, cuma minum ASI aja. Bahagia tak terkira waktu itu. Apalagi perkembangannya bagus banget, aktif banget dan nangisnya kenceng (katanya tanda anak sehat).

Hidup memang nggak selamanya berjalan mulus, ketika semester baru tiba, setelah K berumur 4,5 bulan, galau ASI datang lagi menggelayuti. Supply nggak imbang sama demand-nya. Waktu 4 months check di kuyakusho (ward office-semacam puskesmas), berat badan K kurang dari batas bawah bayi laki-laki. K terlalu kurus, walaupun perkembangan fisiknya pesat. Oke, dan dengan pertimbangan ini-itu, plus tanya-tanya ke para dokter pribadi, akhirnya okelah kembali ke pendampingan susu formula.

GALAU berat.

Sebagai ibu, aku jatuh stress.

Aku kepingiiiiiin banget bisa kasih ASI yang banyak buat anakku. Itu aja.

Dan tiap ngeliat temen-temen yang sama-sama punya bayi pada pamer hasil pumpingnya yang berbotol-botol di freezer, it breaks my heart so deep. I'm so damn jealous.

Berbagai macam cara kucoba, dari yang katanya sering nyusuin bayinya bakal banyak, minum air, makan sayur, sering di pump, semuanya. Tapi tetep aja botol UC yang kupunya cuma 7 dan itu cuma kayak ngantri aja keluar masuk freezer. Nggak ada asi berbotol-botol sampe freezer penuh... (I don't know, I cry while writing this).

Ada temennya suami yang nyaranin buat minum fenugreek (secara di Jepang nggak ada daun katuk), dan kucoba... alhamdulillah sukses memperbanyak ASI, ketahuan waktu di pump dapet lebih banyak. Seneng banget.

Tapi, 2 hari kemudian, tiba-tiba ASI mulai tersendat lagi. Kucoba tetep nyusuin dan pumping seperti biasa, dapetnya sedikit... sedih banget. Sampai seminggu, rasanya sakit. Aku tanya si adik dokter, mungkin ada sumbatan.

Akhirnya ke klinik lah kami buat periksa, karena sudah nggak tahan lagi sama sakit dan kesel cuma dapet dikit padahal sempet banyak. Dan bener, ada sumbatan...

Ya Allah... mau nyusuin anakku aja kok tantangannya segini banyaknya... aku cuma ingin memberi anakku yang terbaik...

Mas Kamen Rider sampai kasihan sama aku. Dia berusaha menguatkan hatiku.

"Kamu sudah berusaha sebisamu, kamu luangkan waktu belajarmu di kampus untuk nge-pump, kamu susuin anakmu setiap dia mau, kamu bangun tiap malam buat nyusuin kalo dia nangis, makan-minum ini itu... ASI itu yang kasih Allah, serahkan sama Allah, Dia tau yang terbaik....," katanya.

Tapi aku... kan cuma pingin kasih dia ASI eksklusif, aku pingin ASI-ku bisa berbotol-botol kayak temen-temen...

"Hey..., ASI itu kan rejeki, banyak atau sedikitnya Allah yang kasih, tapi manusia nggak boleh berhenti berusaha..."

Aku berusaha sebisaku untuk berikan ASI eksklusif untuk anakku tercinta... walaupun harus ditambah susu formula, tapi yang penting aku tetap berusaha kasih ASI.

You may judge me anything, but you should know how I struggle...