Hello~! It’s 2018 now.
How’s life?
2017 was brutally rough, I admit.
There were several ups and too many downs, which I wasn't really ready. That was my fault, partly. I wasn't prepared much for our (my little family) new life after Japan.
However, I learned a lot of things during this tough time, mostly apart from what I formally study *grin*. Like… being entrepreneur (seller, to be exact), dealing with people, curing my trauma and depression… and many more.
I felt like life is so much more difficult here in Indonesia, despite its heavenly weather. I dragged into wildlife and try to survive with everything I can do. It sickened me, triggered the “little devil inside” (trauma from the past) to come out, and I can’t control. Later I persuade myself trying not to blame that anymore, and just face the hardship. It wasn't easy. I struggled a lot, with strong support from my husband.
Anyway, lately everything gets clearer. Those rough stuffs start to show its form.
Our small business start to grow, we understand our own SWOT, which is become our base to make decisions. What we can, DO, and what we can’t, COLLAB. We realize we can’t do everything by ourselves. One lesson, learned.
During a year, I was trying my best to stay run on path as much as possible. Stick to my dream to be a teacher in my former university. I know it’s difficult, but I keep on chasing it. It may sounds stubborn, but I believe my dreams. Whatever it takes, even with so much tears or blood, I will do my best to make it happen.
Then I drown into depression, I lose my self-confidence, being loser.
It was not easy to face people at that time. Whenever they asked, “How are you? What are you doing lately? Where are you working?”. There was a huge spear come straight to my chest, it hurts so much, without they knowing.
I start to love gardening afterwards, to reduce my intention of thinking about the loss, beside to get my house cooler. It was fun, it still is. I spend much time enjoy taking care of those “cool” indoor plants, beside my little shop. Those guys grow really slow, and I sometimes lose patience. But hey, that’s the lesson I must learn from this hobby. Patience. Every pretty thing takes time, or money. If you don't have much money, take more time (and effort), be patience. That’s lesson number two.
I ended 2017 with more layer in my rainbow cake. Surprisingly, my messy life gets better. With uncertainty, still. But I feel grateful with what I (we, me and my little family) have done and achieved so far. At least we stepped forward, we’re progressing, and we gained something. Not much money, though, but tons of experience.
Through the year, I pray to God as much as I complain. How can I complain my life to God??? That’s shameful, actually. I should look more to what I have in my life lately. It looks BRUTALLY ROUGH in one side, but it actually AMAZINGLY GREAT in another side.
Well, the life I complained about is maybe the life other people want to have.
The messy house, too much (unrelated) works, son that difficult to eat, and so on.
What if I think otherwise?
Maybe I have house that other people want to have, the “job” that that other people want to have, the kid that other people want to have, and so on.
When I sit in the corner of my garden, spray my monsteras while thinking, “Why is everything not going as planned,” then start crying, grumbling my failures instead of accomplishment.
Other people may think, “You’re lucky to have plenty of time sitting in the corner of the garden, spraying your cool plants, taking pictures and upload to your Instagram,”.
I just realized it couple days ago.
It really takes much time, and tears, to learn this lesson, GRATEFUL.
My father once said, in my depression time, “You must live happily, and happiness is not always about the success (in work)”. That’s true.
From now on, I should be more grateful to God, especially, for giving me life this long. He gave me second chance to see how beautiful life is, even during the hard time. So that, I can be happier, even though I am not success yet (but I keep on trying).
I think it’s my destiny to be a “forever student”, I can’t stop learning new things (at least in my point of view). Even a PhD still takes some time to understand such thing. The world is so wide, anyway.
So, be grateful with the life you have, cherish every moment both good and bad times.
Good morning :)
Photo by @justjaicko
